With the playoff season approaching in the National Basketball Association, you’re most likely still reeling from your busted NCAA bracket (thanks again Virginia) and that crazy March Madness hangover.
With that said, you may also be looking for a way to quench your alcoholic thirst during the NBA Playoffs.
Are you upset your team didn’t make the cut? Hey, neither did the Lakers or Clippers, so we say “bottoms up!” It’s time to drown your sorrows with a drink guide useful for every game of the NBA Playoff’s opening round.
Here’s to round one. Let the games begin!
Eastern Conference:
#8 Washington Wizards vs. #1 Toronto Raptors.
If the Raptors win, congratulations, eh! The higher seed won and as such, your drink of choice will be some Moosehead Lager. You can also just substitute by taking seven swigs of your favorite beer and putting on some new Drake.
If the Wizards win, commemorate this momentous occasion with a Washington Apple Cocktail. It won’t make America great again but it sure will make you fun at parties.
#7 Milwaukee Bucks vs. #2 Boston Celtics.
If the Celtics win, it’s time to step up to a shot of Don Julio Tequila. Why? Because its the least Boston thing to do if you’re from Los Angeles.
If the Bucks win, your drink of choice should be an Old Fashioned, because like Milwaukee, nothing says “I’m stuck in the early 20th century” quite like it.
#6 Miami Heat vs. #3 Philadelphia 76ers.
If the 76ers win, crack open some raw eggs, pour them on a glass and do the “Rocky Balboa” because your trust in Philadelphia’s “process” actually paid off. No pain, no gain, no substitutes.
If the Heat Win, enjoy yourself a delicious Cuban Mojito. Make sure to only drink it while blasting some Tito Puente for that authentic Cuban experience. Substitute for Pitbull if you’re a millennial.
#5 Indiana Pacers vs. #4 Cleveland Cavaliers.
If the Cavaliers win, enjoy a slick Vodka Martini and make it disappear down your pipes just as LeBron will from Cleveland by the end of the season.
If the Pacers win, enjoy some Indiana inspired ice tea and gin with lemon. Add a touch of vodka to celebrate that sexy upset.
Western Conference:
#8 Minnesota Timberwolves vs. #1 Houston Rockets.
If the Rockets win, unleash your inner Houstonian by blasting off and pouring you and your crew some Patron Tequila, because rockets can’t take off without a crew.
If the Timberwolves win, it’s time to enjoy the official state drink of Minnesota and chug a glass of some wholesome milk! Of course, we’re kidding. Who would ever want to induce vomiting at this point? Instead hydrate with a cold glass of water.
#7 San Antonio Spurs vs. #2 Golden State Warriors.
If the Warriors win, it’s time for the San Francisco special! With the Warriors moving to San Francisco next year, help commemorate Oakland losing another team by celebrating like a San Franciscan with a Mai Tai. Keep it smug with an obligatory tiny umbrella.
If the Spurs win, enjoy a Whiskey Sour on Jack because let’s face it, you’re probably sour the Spurs won.
#6 New Orleans Pelicans vs. #3 Portland Trailblazers.
If the Trailblazers win, blaze your own trail down your esophagus with some Red Devil Fireball.
If the Pelicans win, douse yourself with a sweet daiquiri and let it sink in that a team named “The Pelicans” actually exists.
#5 Utah Jazz vs. #4 Oklahoma City Thunder.
If the Jazz win, honor Utah’s strict drinking restrictions by passing on the alcohol. Sorry on this one.
If the Thunder win, go for the straight double shot of Crown Royal Whisky. If you start getting the shakes at this point, no it’s not that Thunder pride. You might be on the verge of alcohol poisoning.
Cheers to the winners and losers of this round. Whether your team made it through to round two or not, at least find some comfort in knowing you’re probably buzzed or drunk enough to not really give a damn. With that said, of course be responsible and make sure you don’t drive. After all, we’re all in it for the love of the game.
