Katy Perry, outer space, and earthquakes, Oh My!
By Morgan Sayfe SAC Media multimedia editor | Opinions / Satire Column
(“SACrifice the Truth – Where reality goes to die,” is a new series from Mt. SAC’s online publication, SAC Media, meant to challenge norms and traditional ways of thinking, while entertaining you with outlandish speculation and introducing new schools of thought to your noggin.)
WARNING: This article is purely satire and for entertainment purposes only. The information provided MAY or may not be true. If this incites feelings of anger, denial, or an uncontrollable need to tweet about it—take it up with your therapist or go touch some grass. This is only a joke. Chill.
Amazon kingpin Jeff Bezos proved to us last Monday that he wants to keep women off the road—and send them to space instead.
On the same day, Southern California residents were rudely awakened by a 5.2 magnitude earthquake and pop icon Katy Perry was launched into space aboard Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket—because apparently she’s no longer just a “Firework,” she is the firework.
Coincidence? We think not.
Joining her on this suspiciously star-studded suborbital field trip were co-host of CBS Morning’s Gayle King, Lauren Sanchez (a.k.a. Jeff Bezos’ smoking hot girlfriend with a jawline that could cut through Amazon Prime tape), and a handful of other hand-picked elites with too much money and not enough gravity.
Whether this mission was about pushing boundaries or just pushing egos into low Earth orbit remains unclear, but if the goal was to shake up the planet, mission accomplished. Literally.
According to extremely unreliable sources (probably a guy named Chad on Reddit or a 31-year old student journalist at a community college), Perry’s sudden voyage into the void above us was the real reason the tectonic plates freaked out. Earth, it seems, just couldn’t handle her cosmic vocals echoing through the stratosphere.
Even more eyebrow-raising is the mission patch worn on her suit—a stylized eye surrounded by flames. When flipped upside down, conspiracy theorists (and bored graphic designers) swear it bears an uncanny resemblance to a horned demon. While NASA refuses to comment, someone’s cousin on YouTube already uploaded a 37-minute breakdown titled, “Katy Perry: Pop Star or Lucifer’s Astronaut?”
Critics are also pointing out the striking similarities between this launch and the original “moon landing” from 1969-you know, the one that was definitely filmed in a Hollywood basement, if you’re asking your uncle after three beers.
Footage from Perry’s mission shows her floating in zero gravity, smiling like she didn’t just defy God’s will. But as one TikTok user pointed out: “Why is the Earth flat in the background? And why does it look like a giant green screen?” Suspicious indeed.
Some say the entire flight was filmed in a converted Amazon warehouse in Burbank using leftover props from “Interstellar.” Others claim the seismic activity was actually caused by Blue Origin’s fake thrusters hitting a concrete soundstage too hard.
Either way, Katy Perry going to space has opened up more questions than answers:
Is the universe real or just another marketing campaign?
Will Taylor Swift be the next to leave Earth?
And most importantly:
If a pop star sings in space and no one’s around to auto-tune it, does it still make a sound?
Stay suspicious, stay sarcastic and most importantly—stay SAC’d up!
Reporting live from the conspiracy corner of building 26, this has been your favorite certified SAC-tivist in journalism.